Him

“Earlier I told him he’d acted like a douchecanoe. But that’s crap. I’m the one who’s in love with my best friend and pretending I’m not.”

---

REVIEW

Would I read this again? Yes No Maybe

Spicy Level Legend How spicy is this book?

Tropes	Trigger Warnings
Friends to lovers, Bi-awakening, Hockey romance, MM romance, Reconnecting	Shitty parents, Homophobia

---

SUMMARY

Want to just skip to the spice? I got you: 7, 14, 16, 18, 21, 23, 27, 28, 30, 31, 32, 33, 40

Jamie Channing and Ryan (goes by Wes) Wesley have been friends since they were 13 and met at summer hockey camp. They spent every summer together. They never spoke during the year, but when Jamie was turning 14, Wes decided to send him a gift. Once a year they’d send each other something, sending a cigar box back and forth with a gift in it. Always something silly, using a gag gift. On their last summer before college, they are having one of their many competitions and Wes, who has been secretly crushing, possibly even in love with his best friend for awhile, decides to up the challenge. Whoever wins gets a blowjob from the loser. Jamie thinks this is hilarious, and clearly it won’t happen, so he accepts the bet.

Jamie plays goalie so he’s good at blocking the net. Wes is a really good center and good at making goals. Wes makes 2 goals. So when it's his turn to play goalie, Jamie really doesn’t think he’ll win. But Wes misses the last puck (on purpose? We will never know because he isn’t really sure) so Jamie ends up with 3 goals and wins.

Jamie thinks that they will just give each other shit about it for awhile, joke about it, nothing will actually happen, and they’ll move on. Wes has other ideas.

First, they start drinking. Then Wes asks if Jamie wants to watch porn. Then Wes gives him a blowjob. Best BJ Jamie has ever had.

Wes feels immense guilt about this as soon as it's over. He feels like he took advantage of Jamie - that he basically sexually assaulted. He then ghosts him for 3 years.

Jamie has no idea what he did wrong. He sends Wes their normal joke box (a bunch of blow pops) and tries texting him but never hears from him.

Fast forward to their senior year in college. Jamie is playing goalie for Rainier. Wes is playing center for Northern Mass. Both teams end up in the Frozen Four that’s being played in Boston (college hockey championships). Wes knows he’s going to see Jamie there and is super nervous about it. He spots Jamie in the lobby before Jamie sees him and decides a way to break the ice is to resurrect their gag gift. Wes and his friend, Cassel, head out to some tourist shops and Wes buys a pair of white boxers that’s covered with kittens. He buys a box and has it left outside of Jamie’s room.

Jamie and his roommate, Terry, open the box. Jamie pulls out the boxers and for some reason tells Terry they are from his friends with benefits, Holly. A note falls out and Jamie instantly recognizes Wes’s handwriting.

He tries to call the front desk and ask for his room number but they won’t give it out. He decides to try texting him - maybe he hasn’t changed his phone number.

Wes immediately responds. Jamie, who had no plans to move from his bed, tells Wes he was planning on heading to the bar. Wes responds with I’m already there.

They’re both a little nervous at first but the awkwardness is over pretty quick.

Unfortunately, Rainer loses and Northern Mass advances. Wes is pretty bummed because he wanted more time with Jamie and he wanted to face him on the ice.

After the game, Jamie is feeling pretty down. He’s laying on his bed when someone knocks at the door and it’s Holly. Jamie feels slightly weirded out with Holly because he cares for her a lot, they get along great - but he doesn’t want a relationship and he’s afraid that she does. After they graduate, she’s going to Cape Cod and he’s going to Detroit as a backup goalie. But he’s happy to see her - he needs the distraction.

They’re making out when there's another knock on the door. It’s Wes. He was coming to check on Jamie. Except he can tell he’s interrupting because Jamie doesn’t have a shirt on and there’s a girl in his bed. Jamie does invite Wes in for a shot but Wes declines and is basically like “ok bye take care of yourself see you never”. Jamie doesn’t want Wes to leave but doesn’t know what else to say so he watches him leave.

Northern Mass wins the national title but Wes doesn't even enjoy it. He only saw Jamie twice but it has erased the last 4 years of trying to get over him. Instead of celebrating with his friends after they win, he leaves the bar and is walking around. Jamie had mentioned that he still coaches at the same hockey camp every summer so Wes calls up the camp director, who knows him and has been trying to get him to come coach all through college, and asks if he can come coach. Oh, and can he room with Jamie like old times?

On the first day of camp, Jamie walks up to his room and sees Wes standing outside of it. He’s shocked and then asks if Wes is rooming with him. Wes seems weird and tells Jamie they need to talk first. They go for a run and Wes tells him that he’s gay and he’s really sorry he tricked him all those years ago. He feels bad and he understands if Jamie doesn’t want to room with him. Jamie gets all quiet and was like and? That’s why you didn’t talk to me for 4 years? And then starts running faster. When they stop he questions again why did Wes ghost him. Wes says it’s because he felt like he took advantage of him and he felt so ashamed. Jamie says well thanks for punishing me because you felt ashamed.

Wes realizes that he has been feeling bad for the wrong thing. Jamie was never mad about the blowjob. But his feelings were hurt when Wes ignored him for 4 years.

That night, Wes apologizes again but this time for being an asshole. Jamie asks if Wes’s shitty parents know, Wes says they do. Wes tells him that his teammates in college knew that he was gay and they were all fine with it but he’s worried about the NHL so he plans to just hide out in the closet again for a bit - at least his rookie year. Wes asks Jamie again if they’re good? Jamie is just excited to have his friend back so yes they’re good.

That weekend, Jamie tells Wes they should take his car and drive to a bar. Wes is playing on his phone and it keeps making weird noises so Jamie asks him what he’s doing. He’s on Brandr - a gay hook up app. Jamie feels a little weird. He wants Wes all to himself.

They end up going for a hike and then to a bar. Wes’ Brandr goes off and it says there’s someone within 100 feet of him. The dude ends up coming over and talking to them. Then asking them to play pool. Jamie feels super weird because he doesn’t like this at all but doesn’t know why he doesn’t. He just assumes he doesn’t want to share his friends' attention. They’re only going to be together for 6 weeks before he goes off to Detroit and Wes goes to Toronto.

Finally, after watching Wes and this dude play pool and flirt, Jamie has had enough. He interrupts their game and is like ready to go? I’m ready to go, let’s go, you’re my ride. Wes is a little taken back but agrees to leave. Outside, he looks at Jamie and he’s like wtf was that? He tells Jamie he was being a douchecanoe to that guy. Jamie said he didn’t appreciate that guy pawing at Wes. Wes is like what is happening right now? Jamie doesn’t know. He knows he has had a few drinks and he doesn’t like other men paying attention to Wes. He starts walking towards Wes and Wes is like Channing …. Jamie… What… but he can’t finish his confused thoughts because Jamie kisses him.

Wes is also confused because wtf is happening. He knows he loves Jamie. He knows Jamie is straight. He knows he needs to get over him. But now Jamie is kissing him and holy shit. But he can’t do this - not again. He doesn’t want to lose Jamie and he knows Jamie has been drinking and he assumes he’s too drunk to know what he’s doing. Jamie seems hurt and says what you don’t want me? Wes says no that’s not it but this is a bad idea. Jamie keeps taunting him and Wes kisses him one more time before someone comes out of the bar and interrupts and Wes can see the confusion on Jamie's face. He decides he isn’t doing this to his friend- not again. So they drive home in silence. Wes tells Jamie he is going to take a walk and Jamie goes inside without saying anything.

He lays there unable to sleep when Wes finally comes back. Jamie tells him he wasn’t drunk and Wes says he doesn’t want to fuck with his head. Jamie asks him to come to his bed and Wes is like nope nope nope. Jamie says well I can make you and starts jerking off in front of him. Wes thinks he’s a strong man, but not that strong. When Jamie says “please” Wes is off his bed and into Jamie’s so fast. They make out and then Jamie asks if he can give Wes head. Afterwards, Wes asks if Jamie is going to freak out. He says no and also tells Wes not to go back to his own bed. So they fall asleep, naked and spooning.

He wakes up and Wes is gone. Wes is trying to not make it weird so Jamie doesn’t freak out but he’s making it weird in a different way. Later, Wes asks Jamie if he wants to grab lunch but Jamie says no, he needs a nap. But that’s a lie, liar who told you that (whoops wrong book). He wants to watch lesbian and gay porn and see which one he likes. To his shock - he likes both. Guess Jamie isn’t straight or gay after all.

They grab dinner and then go for a swim in the lake. Wes has been freaking out all day wondering if Jamie is freaking out. In the lake, he barely touches Jamie’s stomach and he watches his eyes widen. Wes asks if he’s ready to go back. Once they get back, Jamie tells him that he watched gay porn today, he didn’t hate it, and that he and his dick have an understanding - they both like Wes.

They hook up again and Wes just knows that when the summer is over, he’s going to be heart broken.

They spend the next few weeks hooking up. They end up moving their mattresses onto the floor so they can snuggle.

One day, Holly shows up. Jamie is completely shocked and Wes is super jealous. Jamie hangs out with her, like all day. But he tells her pretty much right at the beginning of the day that there’s someone else. They still spend the whole day just hanging out. It’s after midnight when Jamie sees Wes again because that’s the time that Wes stumbles drunk into their room. Jamie’s mattress is still on the floor but Wes had put his back in his bed and that’s where he lays down. He didn’t expect Jamie to have put a box of skittles on his pillow and they go flying everywhere when his head hits it. Jamie wakes up and asks him where he’s been and who drove him home. When Wes tells him that the dude he met on the Brandr app did, Wes can tell that Jamie is hurt. They argue a little - both being jealous and accusing the other of hooking up with someone else. Wes tells Jamie that he met the guy for a drink but immediately told him he wasn’t there to hook up and then they talked about Jamie the whole time. Jamie told Wes he told Holly right away that there was someone else. Then Jamie tells him he doesn’t like the thought of Wes being with anyone else. They decide to make ground rules - while they’re hooking up, they’re exclusive. Then Wes says when they leave for training camp, it has to be over. Jamie sadly agrees.

Jamie is supposed to go to Detroit as a back up goalie at the beginning of the season. Except - he really doesn’t want to. He thinks he would rather coach than play since being a back up goalie means never leaving the bench. He talks to Pat (the camp director who he has known since he was 14). Pat says he would be a great coach and he could put some feelers out and see if anyone is looking for someone. Jamie asks if he thinks there’s any coaching jobs in say…oh I don’t know… Toronto?

The next weekend is parents weekend. Pat sends the boys into the store to get bags of ice because the ice machine went down. Jamie tells Wes he isn’t sure he wants to go to Detroit but fails to mention the whole coaching thing. They’re coming out of the gas station after getting slushies and Wes tells Jamie he’ll figure it out. Then he slings an arm over his shoulder and kisses his cheek. Some stuck up asshole is at the pumps and looks at them in complete disgust. Then calls them “fucking faggots” as they walk by.

Wes feels bad that Jamie had to experience that and apologizes.

Back at the camp, as the parents start to arrive, Jamie notices the stuck up asshole is there. He is one of the kids' dad. He sees Jamie and Wes and starts making a scene. Pat leads him into his office and Wes and Jamie follow. The dude tells Pat he saw them kissing. Wes is like would you like to tell him exactly what you saw? The guy gets super uncomfortable but Wes keeps pushing him to tell what exactly happened. Then Wes tells him that he's known Jamie forever and Jamie just told him life stuff so Wes half hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. Nothing perverted. Nothing X-rated. Just friend stuff. The asshole refuses to be reasoned with and continues to call them perverts and then says he is taking his son and leaving.

Jamie is upset and Wes feels terrible. Nothing a little sex can’t fix though, right?

A week before Jamie is supposed to leave camp, Pat lets him know he spoke with some coaches in Canada. There’s a Junior A league in Toronto that needs an assistant coach and Pat got him an interview. Jamie knows he needs to talk to Wes so after dinner he does. He tells him that he got a coaching interview in Toronto. And at first Wes is overjoyed and then he’s devastated. He thinks he can’t be with Jamie in Toronto. He can’t be gay his rookie year. He tells Jamie that they can’t be together and that he’s sorry. Jamie is visibly upset but says he’s going for a run. Unfortunately, Wes is too - but just running away from the situation. When Jamie gets back from his run, Wes is gone.

A few weeks later, Wes is in Toronto with his new team. Jamie is in Toronto, just rocked an interview and has a job coaching. Jamie is trying to get ahold of Wes but Wes’ phone says the number has been disconnected. Jamie is hoping it's just because he switched to a Canadian carrier. So he downloads the Brandr app and hopes Wes is still on there. He sends him a message and just says he needs to talk to him one more time.

Wes immediately messages back and tells him to meet him at his apartment that he just signed the lease on. Jamie shows up and Wes can’t even talk. He’s afraid if he opens his mouth that he’ll just say he's in love with him. Jamie tells him that he’s taking the coaching job, that he doesn’t want Wes to think that Wes was corrupting him this summer or just experimenting in confusion (all things Wes thinks). But actually, Jamie was enjoying having his best friend back and that he fell in love with him. Wes tears up and tells him he can’t choose. Jamie said he isn’t asking him to. Wes says no, I refuse to choose between you and hockey, I want both. He tells Jamie that he has loved him for a very long time and he doesn’t want to lose him. Wes says he only needs to not be gay for this year, and then in June he’ll come out. He just doesn’t want his rookie year to be overshadowed, or worse lose his career, over being gay. Then he’s like you should live here with me. Jamie is a little nervous that they will get found out and he’ll be the reason for Wes being outed and losing everything but Wes doesn’t give a fuck.

Wes meets with the PR guy of his new team and finds out that all management and his coach know that he’s gay. They are ready for a statement of support whenever he’s ready to come out. Jamie comes out to his family via group chat on Facebook. His family is super supportive of him and mostly just give him a hard time for dating someone from New England who might be a Patriots fan. Wes doesn’t talk to his parents much at all - they’re shitty remember? His dad likes to pretend Wes doesn’t have a sexuality when he talks to him.

Epilogue is Thanksgiving - they are in California with Jamie’s family who accept Wes as one of their own immediately. Which is good - he needs a good family.